Some people say that when you die
you learn everything, you learn every little secret
and piece of knowledge in the world
I am hoping that my uncle learnt that his brothers still loved him
Even after fighting about money endlessly,
they never forgot to forgive him,
so I hope he knows
I found out and
I couldn’t feel anything
I still cried knowing that I didn’t want this to happen
Longing to feel something,
I started to think that the feeling of nothing
was the same as the feeling of death
His soul was just gone from the face of the Earth
This fact hit me
And the fact was that I wasn’t ever going to
get to laugh talk and cry with him ever again
And most of all I felt pity and grief for my family and myself
This feeling felt better than nothing
My friends helped me up
And embraced me
They didn’t even ask me while I sobbed
They just held me
as I muttered, “I didn’t pray hard enough”
My thoughts continued cluttering around
It’s probably going to be like this when I die or my sister dies
One of us has to deal with the other’s death
Slip into the same thoughts that I did before
We slipped into it seven more times that year
I can still hear my mom saying
it’s not an “eight sons and one daughter” family anymore
It’s “one of us is dead”