I found your recipe for gulab jamun
online
and I have some concerns
*
well first of all it’s almost diwali
and my husband raped me three weeks ago
your recipe calls for khoa but I don’t have any
and I have completely stopped crying
*
and why did I look for recipes online
why don’t I remember how to make this
have you ever had this problem
payaswini
have you ever forgotten your own recipes
*
and if I use milk powder in place of khoa
will the jamun be too dry
will they fall apart in syrup
my children depend on wholeness
*
and what if I make them but don’t taste them
will they still be sweet
will I be able to cry if I roll them right
will they teach me to name my truths
will they stand my rage without crumbling
just how much can these jamun take
*
and what if I turn them into something else entirely
how do I change the substance of them
what if instead of cooking them
I take them outside and put them on fallen leaves
for crows to eat
have you ever had this problem
payaswini
have you ever started making gulab jamun
and been afraid