1.
the day went by like warm cat poop
and there’s seventeen messages on my voicemail
from my ex-girlfriend’s ex-boyfriend’s stalker
who, on his 435th harassing phone call to me this month
in between threatening my life and hers
made a point of telling me it really wasn’t cool of me
to try to get him arrested
what with his heart condition and all
i listened to that last message
while i was on the way to the store to get some porn
but then i realized it was daytime
and that i’ve never bought porn in the daytime
and not wanting to set that precedent
i decided instead to get a Jamba Juice
2.
upon entering the fluorescent establishment
i was pretty offended
by the direct and intense, almost personal
jolly greeting of the employees
i thought about turning around and walking right out
just to protest that shit
but i didn’t
instead i walked right up to the counter
paused, cocked my head to the side and tried to say
in as dispassionate and slightly hostile a tone as possible
“Berry Lime Sublime Jumbo with Vita Boost and Sourdough Energy Pretzel”
3.
on the drive home while straw sipping the tangy pink juice
out of my giant Styrofoam cup
i was hoping someone would start tail-gating me
and then maybe we’d get to a stoplight
roll down our windows and start yelling at each other
then we’d get out of our cars
and beat the shit out of each other until our knuckles bleed
but it didn’t happen
it never does